Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

A few years ago I saw a really interesting clip from part of the Steve Harvey Show. The episode was about love and marriage with Pastors Rich and DawnChere Wilkerson (who preformed Kim and Kanye’s wedding, by the way).

In the episode they talk about love languages and how important it is to speak your partner’s love language.

Watch the video here.

At the time that I watched this, I knew I would want to re-watch it every year to remind myself that I need to speak Jake’s love language, not try to speak my own love language at him.

If you’re not familiar, there are 5 love languages. These 5 are as follows:

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

The love languages are described in Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

You can take their test yourself online to see what love languages you speak.

For me, my highest ranking love language is gifts. Then my second highest is acts of service.

These results are very accurate to what I know about myself. I absolutely love not only receiving gifts, but giving gifts as well. As the description says, it’s not so much about materialism but about the thoughtfulness that goes into getting that gift for someone. For me, just a hand written letter or little note counts as a gift as well.

It’s not surprising to me that acts of service is my second love language either, as I love getting help with my day to day tasks every once and awhile. It shows that someone cares enough about you to want to take something off your plate.

I have never had Jake officially take the test but if I were to guess, I think his love languages would be physical touch first and then quality time. But it’s hard for me to speak his love language when I’m not entirely sure what it is. I should really ask him to take the test soon as well, so that I can ensure I’m speaking his love language to him, not my own.

As they say in the video, one of the greatest mistakes is that we so often love people the way that we want to be loved. But we all receive love in different ways. Until you learn that, you will just love your partner the way that you want to receive love instead of loving them the way they receive love.

I think no matter what stage you are in a in a relationship whether it is just started dating, been together a couple years, lots of years, engaged, married or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary, this is an important lesson that all couples should learn and practice in order to ensure their relationship is healthy and well taken care of.

Now please excuse me while I get Jake to take this test!

Until next time,

Tiffany Nobes


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